I came to a revelation about myself today. Class got out early, so I was just sitting around waiting for my next class to start, and I started doodling. I like to draw, but I never do, because lately it's been hyped up as a big responsibility. I need to draw everyday so I can refine my skill so I can illustrate. It's very very important. I have to illustrate. I must, and it's urgent, because I like to. Feeling duty-bound to enjoy myself really takes the fun out of it, so I don't. But now, I was sitting around, goofing off, thinking about all the important papers I need to be writing, so I decided it'd be more fun to draw people instead. I've concluded by now that, left to my own devices, I'm not exactly professional artist material (maybe with formal training I could be), but for my own purposes I sure ain't bad at it. Anyway, the big revelation was this: I'm lazy. And not even in terms of work ethic, no, this is a personality trait. Working's no fun; I won't do anything except for pleasure. So getting this idea worked up in my head that I have a duty to myself to draw or write regularly is doing nothing for me. Everything worthwhile I do is to avoid something that isn't fun. I remember in high school, I thought my biology class was so boring, so I ignored the class and read ahead in the book. I may have failed the class, but I learned a lot about how immensely cool fungus is, and I still got accepted into every college I applied to, so clearly I gained more than I lost.
A lot of what I'm saying people already know. They use it on children as a super-effective reverse psychology. But I still need a little reminder every once in a while, to chill out and enjoy my fun, and most of all slack off. That said, I'm getting tired of writing this. I'm going to go write my paper on the crusades instead.
